Saturday July 31st
Them Blue & White Heroes beat Aberdeen 1-0 at Withdean courtesy of an Elliott Bennett belter in the first half. Mark McGhee avoids getting pelted with eggs as he strides across the pitch hand in hand with the visible ghost of Leon Knight, but his team still manages to resemble the thousand or so Albion teams he set up to try and burgle single goal victories off bigger teams.
It all kicks off back in Bohemia-by-the-Sea, with some Aberdeen fans presumably intent on getting (violent, Stone Island-clad) value out of their pilgrimage rather than the empty reward of an away performance fashioned by McGhee.
Moving on from MM, a side containing Gordon Gopher Greer at centre-back resembles the League One Brazil with some lovely passing football, and substitute Christian Baz even attempts a couple of scissor kicks in the last ten minutes. It all feels a long way from...err...McGhee.
Sunday August 1st
Jamie Smith, the formerly AWOL soldier who returned for a passable Jack Wilshere impression on the left-wing against Abderdoom, says abandoning his 90-minute drive from Essex and moving to Bohemia-au-bord-de-la-mer has soothed his soul.
Gus says Adam El-Abd will be at centre-back for the opening game of the League One Championship Winning Season at Swindon next Saturday, which sees the bookies immediately push the Albion out from fourth-favourites for the title to a tempting 2,000/1.
Monday August 2nd
Kazenga LuaLua, the fastest man in the world, starts using his Twitter page almost as frequently as he puts opposition full backs into intergalactic black holes summoned by the centrifugal force of his tornado-eclipsing sprints down the wings.
The big tease said he was going to Bournemouth (for social reasons) next weekend, claims to love Bohemia-au-bord-de-la-pier, then foolishly begins replying to Albion fans who message him. One of his previous Tweets, appealing for more followers, appears to have been resolved whatever happens.
Tuesday August 3rd
Eight-year-old Albion youth midfielder Jake Caskey is named captain of England Under-17s, leading to speculation he could be captaining the Albion by the time we're on our third manager of the season (ETA November).
Gordon Germaine Greer has the somewhat more dubious honour of being named Albion captain for the season, and Gus tells The Argus he wants a defender, a winger and a striker this week, as well as a brand new car, a payrise, half a pint of Harveys and a packet of pork scratchings.
"Adam El-Abd can play anywhere along the back four, but I like him more as a centre half than a fullback," he adds. The bookies push Albion out to 4,000-1 to win the league.
Wednesday August 4th
Oooh, that speculation. Simon Cox? Robert Earnshaw? Robert Codner? Someone's got to sign for us this week, otherwise we'll thcweam and thcweam til we're sick.
Turns out Jake Caskey scored and set up a goal in England's 5-0 win for England against host nation Finland. That news was brought to you by your ever-up-to-date Blue & White 'Un, which gets the shakes and comes out in Wayne Rooney-style hives every time it thinks about watching England, and therefore just hid under the covers and waited until Wednesday for the result.
Thursday August 5th
It's getting a bit close now. "ill be honest to u mate I don't think ill be rejoining Brighton on loan time is running out", says an insightful LuaLua on his Twitter, leaving one lucky fan thoroughly enlightened and gramatically scarred for life.
Gus says there won't be another striker in time for Swindon either, which leaves poor old Ashley Barnes - who was still adjudged to have been worthy of a loan to Eastbourne Borough recently, in spite of his half-decent form for us - all alone upfront for the game. Nicky Forster, who's been banging them in for Brentford in pre-season, must be...no, less of this sort of talk. A pox upon ye.
The fans' forum takes place at Withdean amid stifled yawns, a floor full of bobble hats and the gentle howl of trains disappearing into the distance behind the trees. Our mate Al asks the best question of the night for the second year running, and Gus issues a "no comment" when prodded about the chances of snaring Simon Cox from the other Albion. He says Lewis Dunk is one for the future. Apart from Martin Perry revealing fans will be asked to test the toilets at Falmer, that's about as thrilling as it gets.
Friday August 6th
Gus's search for that defender/winger/striker is over - he signs goalkeeper Casper Ankergren, released by Leeds at the end of last season. "I am certain that Michael Poke and Mitch Walker have great futures ahead of them, which is why we signed them both, but neither of them make me feel 100% safe," says Gus, leaving both goalkeepers in roughly the same position as Robert Green is with regard to his England career. Rumour has it they're planning to kill each other, Romeo and Juliet stylee, in the team hotel tonight.
Quote of the Week
"It'll be a problem if it comes to three to five on Saturday." - Gus gets his cliches muddled up as he muses over the possibility of getting a striker in on Friday.
Two names guaranteed to cheer up our working week - Albion sign ex-Pompey striker Paris Cowan-Hall on trial (who scores and concedes a penalty for the reserves), but are pipped by Rotherham, who sign Peterborough centre-back and owner of The Greatest Name in Football Exodus Geohaghon on loan. Exceptional scenes.