Friday, 24 October 2014

The Blue & White 'Un - Friday October 24 2014


Hyppia is baffled by Albion’s ineptness against the ‘boro.

“When we had a chance we couldn’t score,” he says, imagining the impossible as Chris O’Grady, clad in a grim reaper outfit, skulks in the background of the press area, missing badly upon attempting to sever Hyppia’s neck with a plastic scythe.

In an attempt to help, Liverpool’s media team provide a rolling video of Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler and Kenny Dalglish’s greatest goals, from tap-ins to 25-yard rockets or simply fine approach play.

“It puzzles me a little bit that you change something, it is almost like going down the toilet in a few minutes’ time,” adds a none-the-wiser Sami, ensuring that everyone, ultimately, leaves the Theatre of Nightmares baffled.


“They didn’t really have any chances,” beams Albert Adomah, one of Middlesboogie’s goalscorers, whose powers of observation are clearly without bounds.

He does, however, point out that Albion lost 2-0 to ‘boro at Falmer last season, which is about as close to a bright side as…no, it’s a Sunday to listen to that Blur song on repeat and wish the working week would erase what memories remain of the game.

David Stockdale announces an enforced break from Twitter following the most ill-judged exchange since we traded an MP3 player for a MiniDisc at Cash Convertors.

“ok just blame me no problems with that to take the pressure off everyone else no problem”, he’d frantically tweeted the previous evening.

He can’t resist one final, even more worrying, salvo for now: “1 last thing,” blusters despairing Dave. “Kemy works harder than a lot of footballers I've come across and as you can see looks out4 team mates.” If only he could ever spot them on the pitch.


Shamir Fenelon returns from a prolif…loan spell at Rochdale to play for the under-21s at Toon, scoring in a 3-1 defeat which sees two Albion players sent off. At least the reserves are keeping their discipline.

While the Argus subbing team awaits the two defeats that will allow them to dispense the inevitable FINNISHED? headline, Andy Naylor supports the Beleaguered Battling Brighton Boss, wisely electing not to call for the unemployment of a man he has to interview daily.

“I think we are going to stick together,” murmurs Calde reassuringly, while Sami says we “need to see why we are losing games”, interrupted halfway through by a 550-page picture annual, The Bumper Book of Attacking Midfielders and Wingers, crashing on his head from the sky.

Still, at least we’ll have Joao Teixeira available…or possibly not, as the Spanish Scouse is under observation after getting groggy against ‘boro. Bruno, who would have played right-back on the edge of Huddersfield’s penalty area, and CMS, who would have spent most of the game howling at the moon, are both out of tomorrow night’s blockbuster encounter.


Albion draw 1-1 at Huddersfield. The hosts score early, then mercurial marksman Lewis Dunk equalises before LuaLua is sent off – the second yellow looks a ridiculously petty booking from the vantage point of the pre-midnight sofa.

“I don’t know why we couldn’t get our game going,” says Sami, discussing the second half in typically certain terms.

Nobody on North Stand Chat starts a thread about the nine-game winless run, nor about the chances of recruiting David Moyes, Tony Pulis or the ghost of Graham Kelly.


“We need to be more concentrated and stop conceding first,” says Sami, making Albion sound a bit like a porous orange juice carton. Bookies shorten the odds on Rotherham scoring early on Saturday to a best-priced 4/1 on.

Former capable custodian Tommy Kuszczak is linked with a move to Bayern Munich. David Stockdale is linked with a move to Facebook.


That word concentration is back. “They need to concentrate more in the final third, to be more dangerous in the final third,” says Sami, as senators in the US announce plans to name a new state, The Bleeding Obvious, after Albion’s Beleaguered Battling Boss.

Best mate of Clarke Carlisle and any Albion fan who goes to the pub regularly in Hove, Adam Virgo, says sticking Lewis Dunk up front would “send out the wrong message”.

A franchise t-shirt operation, I Saw Albion Score, goes into overdrive and sets up a kiosk outside the North Stand ahead of the Rotherham rollercoaster.


Another c-word emerges. “We just need to correct little things,” says Sami, before reverting back to the old one. “A little bit more concentration at our end and a little bit more at the other end.”

ADHD pills are dispensed to all Albion players before the final training session of the week, which is missed by a whole load of injured players.

LuaLua’s suspended for the Millers meeting, and GG, Dunk and Gary Gardner are all one booking away from bans. “Our outstanding discipline makes me extremely confident, not to mention the fact that Chris O’Grady’s still available,” says Sami, as canned laughter echoes around a morgue-like training ground.

Quote of the Week

“Last Saturday, their first 20 minutes was as good as I’ve seen a team play in the Championship. Sami was a fantastic player. He was a superstar footballer and has personal aspirations to be a superstar manager. At the start of the season if you looked at the squad that was there, and who they added to the squad, everyone expected Sami Hyypia to have his players challenging for automatic promotion. When you look at the squad on paper, it’s certainly a squad capable of finishing in the top three or four.” - Rotherham Manager Steve 'Trousers' Evans

Honourable Mention

Former Albion hotshot Jake Robinson, who turned 28 this week. "Someone defo called Steve Evans a fat benidorm extra in the tunnel once," he tweets. "Was lols."

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