Friday, 7 November 2014

The Blue & White 'Un - November 7 2014


Albion lose 3-2 to Bourneo on telly, an unsurprising result tempered by the thrillingly unexpected emergence of strikers who actually score (nice) goals.

The defence, as usual, resembles a punctured dinghy manned by mice in a monsoon. GG scores a classic own-goal, stooping to conquer past Wigan watchman Ali Al-Habsi, signed on loan after David Stockdale breaks his finger in a furiously-typed Twitter meltdown after his shot-stopping ability is compared unfavourably to Peter Schmeichel at his peak.

Adrian Colunga and Sam Baldock produce two cool finishes – the latter ending a move straight down the Route One highway – either side of a Marc Pugh goal which takes a deflection off Dunk, whose ridiculous lunge gives the hosts the 76th minute penalty which sends them to the Championship summit. Still, Sami finally gets to change tack from the standard post-match stuff.

“Helpless is a very dangerous word to use,” he laments. “I can’t do anything more than my best.” His opposite number, Eddie Howe, becomes the latest manager to effectively tap Hyypia on the shiner and tuck him up in bed with a warm bottle of patronage.

“It is the toughest game we have had for some time,” he says, presenting his Man of the Match award to Dunk before handing Greer a handwritten note of thanks.


Oh yes! Elliott Bennett signed on loan yesterday! You’re probably better off reading the official site if you want to know all the latest £8 a pint offers at the Amex news. Apologies.

“You can see that he has settled well into the group and has had banter with the rest of the squad,” serenades Sami, denying rumours that the Telford titillator’s opening song was a rendition of Are You Lonesome Tonight to Paddy McCourt.

“If we manage to win and get six points out of the two games, then that will definitely calm things down outside the club,” adds Sami, who’s clearly familiar with the legendary level-headedness of North Stand Chat, where six points will probably ensure talk of Champions League finals and Finnish statues at the Clock Tower.


The long wait is over: Kemy Agustien is back, firing the under-21s to a 0-0 draw against Bolton.

The supposition that he had an ankle injury hides the typically dramatic truth: “I've been fit for a longtime so don't get it twisted,” tweets the Dutch dynamo. “Want to play games so that's why with the 21's now.”

One man who definitely does have a dodgy ankle is Aaron Hughes, who went off at Bourneo after barely touching the ball. It’s not broken, but the physios need to wait for his swelling to go down (fnarr fnarr).

Ex-Pole in Goal Tommy Kush ends the dreams of Sussex Sunday League managers the county over by signing for Wolves.


It’s the big one, and Albion v Wigan turns out to be every bit as good as the reputed 7,000 stayaway season ticket holders anticipated. A win is a win, though: Gazza Gardner scores after a minute, then Albion whoosh the woodwork, then a fairly dire game gets Sami’s stuttering Seagulls their first win since Saturday games didn’t need floodlights.

“Everyone did their job quite concentrated on the pitch and we came out as winners,” reflects a thankful Finn. El Bennett and El Calde send supporters’ hearts aquiver by embracing at the end.


Late news again. Albion signed centre-back Greg Halford on loan yesterday. “I’ve come here because I’ve never been top goalscorer anywhere before,” says the fearsome Forest reserve.

Another loanee, Gazza Gardner, calls Sami “top-class”. “We will kick on up that table, I know we will,” he says, echoing the mutterances of the average Albion fan trudging home after several whiskies and a narrow victory against pretty much the only team who could rival our (lack of) form.

Blackpool draw at Fulham to keep Albion 20th in the table.


The much-heralded Financial Fair Play regulations – the most common acronym on Albion directors’ lips for the past few years, with the possible exception of FFS – are relaxed following a league vote.

Clubs will now be able to lose up to £15 million down the sofa between 2016 and 2019, with those flitting between the Promised Land and the Champ permitted to cast £61 million into the Supermassive Black Hole where broken dreams and plucky relegations lie.

“This all sounds very fair,” says no-one ever, although Paul Barber reveals that Albion voted for the changes.

“We’ll also be making all beers £3.50 and soft drinks £1 at Falmer while our full-backs are in their own half,” he says, rubbing his hands and cackling.


Aaron Hughes has shed his swelling. “Yesterday he was running already,” says Sami. “I’m happy that he gave me the excuse to sign another loan player, though. Hey, Aaron! Get further up that pitch! Bruno! What the hell are you doing in our half? That’s it, you’re dropped forever injured, get out of my…”

Albion now have six loan signings in contention for the visit of Blackburn, a mere five of whom are allowed to be named – yer ever-loving Blue and White ‘Un reckons Al-Habsi could make way, as Christian Walton belied his tender years in goal t’other night (he got called up for England under-21s this week).

Some clubs in our division might not have the luxury of imbalancing their squad with loads of stitch-the-itch loan players. “We were very determined to see the sanctions stay in place for the existing rules,” says Barber of the FFS regulations. “We are expecting maybe as many as eight or nine clubs are going to break those rules and therefore, come January, they could find themselves in a transfer embargo which is serious, a massive penalty.”

It’s unclear how Kemy feels about the agreement, apparently reached during the early hours of Thursday morning. “How can people live and think today im gonna try to fck up Kemy's life,” he tweets, issuing four emoticons.

Quote of the Week

“I am a very relieved man now. Thank you so much to the Brighton people for helping me find the ring – my wife would not be happy if I lost it. It was not a good result for us but I could leave the stadium with a little smile.” - Oriol Riera after stadium staff and the Wigan backroom team join forces to help find his wedding ring, which the Spanish striker accidentally wore when he came on as a late substitute. The headline on the Wigan website, Lord of the Ring, is perhaps not strictly accurate (“Amex Gold”, on the other hand, deserves a doffed hat).

Honourable Mention

Former referee confuser Jimmy Case will be signing copies of his long-prepared book at Falmer on Monday. “There’s Joe Corrigan dressed as a 6ft 5ins fairy at Christmas, for example, and the time I was arrested in North Wales, which effectively brought to an end my Liverpool career,” he reveals, as well as promising to discuss the Cup Final and the Dark Ages. "You’ll soon discover I’m not bitter like Roy Keane. I played football with a smile on my face.”